How to Blog like a Superstar

On my travels through the blogosphere I have learnt a thing or two and now that I have my own blog I think it’s time I shared my knowledge.  I understand that there are lots of different types of blogs (lifestyle, ‘how to’, geeky, hipster, travel, home-care) but here are the most popular tools needed to have a popular blog as understood by a untechsavvy (not a word) teen with too much time and energy on their hands.  This post explores the most effective way to gain followers using these tools to satiate our ardent desire for gratification (that sounded a little like something an old a person would say and I’m sorry).

Okay, general format is going to start with a title.  Something inspiring and short.  Mine is, as you can see, ‘How to Blog like a Superstar’ because how could you resist that title.  It was going to be ‘The Anatomy of Popular Blogs’ but that set the bar too high, the rest of my work just couldn’t measure up to such an intense title.  When thinking of titles, try to use a ‘How to’ or another well developed structure to trick people into thinking you know what you’re doing when really you know very little information and can just fill pages with big words which confuse people.  On a side note, I feel like this blog is moving in a direction where it’s coexistence with the actual helpful/informative blogs and sites that you can find in this wonderful place is strained because I’m essentially making fun of them.  But I won’t worry about that now.

After finding your sassy title, write an introductory paragraph which covers everything without giving away any real information so people have to continue reading.  Give a personal feel by using ‘I’ a lot or even introducing your post using a video, although people will then judge your face (I’m just speaking the truth).  In most introductions to lifestyle blogs they tell a personal story connected to the point that they’re making to ensure that you feel connected to them, although it may well be made up. Only after they finish this story will they give you the information that you’re looking for. But do not give away any real facts before you post pictures of yourself having a great time doing something just hipster enough to make you special but just normal stuff to ensure you are still relatable. Here are some examples I just had lying round:

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Make sure your picture looks like you were surprised by the camera when in reality you had your friend take about 28 to find the right one.  If possible make it black and white and wear a leather jacket in order to look like you know fashion. Then add filters to make your skin look healthy and bright rather than pallid from all the time you spend inside writing your blog.  After this crop out any inconvenient realities so it seems to people who don’t know you that you have your shit together.

This last sentence presents another overused useful blogging tool, employed most effectively by those who are trying to be deep and existential: the only-mildly-related-metaphor.  A classic.  You see how I took the idea of editing a picture and applied it to a lifestyle where content creators hide behind the binary 0 and 1 of the computer screen to stop people seeing who they really are and how they feel in order to gain the views they desperately need to inflate their egos enough to survive a mediocre lifestyle that they are, in reality, deeply unhappy with (I’m just sayin’).

Another typical lifestyle blog tool is to subtly slip into posts how healthy your life is.  The easiest way is by starting a story with ‘I was out running the other day’ or ‘on my way to the gym I saw’.  Not only does this polarize your audience into those who have just gone for a run and those who have been on the Internet surrounded by snacks for twelve hours, it also allows you to show off how much longer your life expectancy is than theirs.

For a more ‘good housewife’ blog you may decide to have recipes for ‘easy’ meals.  In these you want to have big technical words that anyone actually cooking the recipe has to look up before being able to continue to create a partially edible product that looks nothing like the picture you posted.  You may think that I’m joking because ‘how hard can it really be to follow instructions?’ But I promise that fricasseing (also not a word) some type of bird is way too hard to only be of ‘medium difficulty’.  Also, on a different but related subject, I totally understand how Harry Potter could fail potions class constantly.  Potions is literally the Home Economics of the wizarding world, I mean they’re using weird ingredients but seriously, just read the instruction and put them in the cauldron.  Same as a casserole.  It does now occur to me that he probably only failed because his teacher was punishing him in the name of true love (Snape was a weird guy) and not because, unlike yours truly, he couldn’t follow instructions.  Anyway… Recipes.  If I you want to put recipes into your blog make sure you do a mix of classics (I’m talking red velvet cupcakes) and something a little different to get you noticed (but don’t go full Heston Blumenthal, you want people who don’t have a PhD in Chemistry to be able to cook it).

Finally, and this is important, jokes.  I don’t care in what form they come, just make jokes.  As I may have mentioned before, I am partial to puns (one might even say I’m pun-internationally funny) sorry but maybe you are a fan of innuendos or just a standard knock-knock joke.  Whatever your speed, my main advice is if you can make them laugh you can make them listen so if you really want to get your message across in a world where there is a lot of sadness, make a joke, crack a smile and most importantly blog the way you want because even if your post is the most unoriginal thing of all time, your are the only one whose going to write it like you.

Hope you all have a wonderful day,

Love Grace x

Oh and always put a thought provoking quote from someone famous and ask people to get involved so…

‘All food that involves cheese is just an excuse to eat cheese’- Hannah Hart.  What do you guys think on this matter? (or is that too cheesy)

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3 thoughts on “How to Blog like a Superstar

  1. Hi, I really liked how funny this post was because it definitely kept me reading. I couldn’t help but laugh when you mentioned taking black and white photos in a leather jacket because I embarrassingly did this for my April favourite post (at least my leather jacket was one of my favourites :p). Anyway, I look forward to future witty posts and if you would like to check out my blog and the April favourites post then here it is https://infinitedaydreamer.wordpress.com/2015/05/01/april-favourites/

    Like

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